Category Archives: Children

Christmas in July

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Folks, I can’t make this stuff up.  Here is the exact text of an email that I received today from fs (former spouse):

Littleman was asking me a lot of questions about Santa Claus last night.  I am going to tell him that Santa Claus is not real.  I want him to know that what I tell him is the truth, and I do not feel comfortable continuing the Santa Claus myth with him.  I know you think that we should continue it for the sake of other children, but littleman is our son, and we should do what is best for him.  I plan on telling him when I am keeping him on Tuesday evening.

What!?!  FS is going to tell our three-year-old that Santa Claus isn’t real?!?

We’ve been down this road before, but I thought I had talked him down off the ledge.  He knows that I don’t agree with him, but my opinion doesn’t matter.  The only point that gave him pause was how this would impact other people’s children, how it isn’t fair to other families for him to say anything to littleman.  Obviously he had only taken a step back from the ledge, not gotten down.

I dialed fs’s work number.  He picked up like nothing in the world was amiss.  Internally I was freaking out, although externally I tried to remain calm.

me:  I just got your email and we have to talk about this. I do not agree with this at all.

fs:  I am not comfortable lying to littleman.  I want him to know that his daddy never lied to him about anything.

me:  This is ridiculous.  Are you scarred from your parents lying to you about Santa?  I can’t believe that you want to rip littleman’s childhood out from under him.

fs:  I want him to know I always tell him the truth.

me:  Well, I will tell littleman that I don’t agree with you.

fs:  And then 10 years from now when littleman finds out that Santa isn’t real he will know that I told him the truth and that you lied to him.

me: Yes. {long silence}  I absolutely cannot believe this.  I will talk to you later.

I had to get off the phone quickly before I became completely hysterical.  Angry tears burned the backs of my eyes and my voice was beginning to shake.

Who does this?  More importantly, what father does this to his child?

I have full physical and legal custoday.  The decisions regarding littleman’s health, religion and education are solely up to me, but there is nothing in the decree that says anything about Santa Claus.

Littleman is only three years old.  I am working hard to make sure he always feels loved and always feels secure.  As much as possible I want him to be spared the pain that other people can cause, yet in this instance I am powerless.

read to be read at yeahwrite.me

Holidays with FS & Family

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I am at my former spouse’s parents house for the week. Former spouse is here too.

I know you are asking yourself, “What? Why? How are you doing that?”

These are all good questions – ones that I ask myself as well.

When fs and I divorced we committed to spending all holidays together. Well, I think it is more important to me than fs. As a child of divorce myself, I didn’t want littleman to ever have to choose which parent to spend a holiday with. Most holidays are spent with my family, but July 4th and Thanksgiving we spend with fs’s family.

We always spend more time with fs’s family than just the actual holiday – a week in the summer and Wednesday through Saturday of Thanksgiving week. Here are the reasons why:

Fs’s family lives in a small town about 4 and a half hours from the metropolitan area where we live. It is not a short or easy trip.

It is very important to me that littleman have a good relationship with his grandparents and that can only happen by littlman getting to spend time with them.

Fs’s parents are very good to me, especially his mom. I love and respect her and enjoy spending time with her. The issues between fs and me don’t have anything to do with them.

I get a break when I come. With three other adults in the house there a plenty of folks to help carry the load. I get to send littleman to go wake up his dad at 6:00 a.m. His Grandaddy took him to get a hair cut today. His Grandmother makes meals. I get to rest a bit. It is lovely.

Most importantly, I do it for littleman. He deserves to be surrounded by the people who love him all differences aside.

It isn’t always easy, but it is never for longer than a week at a time. At some point I am usually reminded exactly why fs and I are divorced. There are times I have to remind myself that being here is a choice and I have to remind myself why I make this choice.

Fun and Adventure

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We are over halfway though our “vacation”. It’s in quotes because, if you have children, you know vacation isn’t really vacation. I like to call it time away from home.

We are having a good time, but it hasn’t gone exactly as I had imagined. I think this is natural. Nothing ever goes exactly as planned, but that is what makes things fun and exciting.

I’ve started to look at our vacation through littlman’s eyes. He is having the time of his life and that is all that matters to me. When he looks back years from now he won’t remember a thing that went “wrong”, he will remember the fun and the adventure.

God gives us children because He knows we have so much to learn from them.

As we move into the 2012-2013 school year this is going to be my theme – Fun and Adventure. Sounds like a pretty great way to live.

Babies, Babies Everywhere

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I just got word that yet someone else I know is pregnant. I am happy for her. Really, I am.

The number of women I know having babies seems to be exponentionaly growing. Each time I hear about another one my heart breaks just a little.

It isn’t because I want another baby right now, but because I know that I won’t ever have another one. Although I am still within my childbearing years, I am on the tail end and know that chapter of my life is closed. It is as though I have gone through premature menopause.

Each time I get word of another I mourn just a little. I get a bit jealous of the woman who is expecting. I then get mad at myself for acting so ridiculous. I remind myself how incredibly blessed I am and move on.

I have no doubt that God has a plan for me which is still unfolding.

“My thoughts are not like your thoughts,” says the Lord, “and my ways are beyond anything you can imagine.” Isaiah 55:8

God Bless the Stay-at-Home Mom

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Tropical Storm Debby has thwarted our plans for the week.  We had to leave the beach house and head to my grandmother’s home due to flooding.  I definitely didn’t plan on this.

I didn’t pack one. single. toy.  I was sure we would be spending all morning at the beach, then heading back to the house for lunch and a nap and then finding things to keep up occupied every afternoon.  Littleman loves to be outside.  He always chooses to be outside playing with nature over being inside playing with toys.  I know this and figured that it wouldn’t be worth the bother packing toys.  My mistake.  I never imagined that we wouldn’t be able to get outside for days at a time.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do?

I am not prepared for this.  I work.  I don’t stay at home with littleman.  I don’t have any tricks up my sleeve.  I don’t pin these types of things on Pinterest because generally if littleman can’t go outside due to weather that is usually not a problem I have to solve.  This is his teacher’s issue.  If it does happen that we are stuck in the house for a weekend, we are at home surrounded with all kinds of things to do.  We can invite friends over.  I may not have a great yard, but I have a great house for playing inside.  We bake cookies.  We find something to do around town that takes place inside.  We live in a metropolitan area and there are plenty of options.  Not to mention he has all his toys.  It is only for a weekend we are stuck inside.  We will both be back at school on Monday.

This week we’ve been doing the best we can.

We’ve already done the one thing that I remember a friend of mine’s mom did with us when we were little – we made homemade play dough. Thank God I have a smartphone with an unlimited data plan. Thank God there was one place in the beach house I got service. At home littleman can play with play dough for hours. This week he has only wanted to do it for about ten minutes. That’s right folks, 1-0 minutes. Next…

Because my grandmother lives in a small town she is in an area that has an Imagination Library program, which means littleman gets a brand new book each month. My grandmother keeps the books at her house for him because she thinks we already have enough books at our house. I don’t think you can ever have too many books, but my grandmother is wise.  Boy, have those books ever come in handy.

The evacuation this morning gave littleman some entertainment.  He watched me from the screen door as I loaded the car in ankle deep water.  He loved hearing about how I waded through knee deep water to the backyard to turn off the gas tank.  Seeing the beach house surrounded by a lake was a huge topic of conversation for a while, but didn’t last after we actually got out of town and honestly I was not much up for talking about it.  I was just glad we made it out safely.

So now we are at the other house, same situation.

Littleman didn’t get a nap today.  I can count on two hands the number of times he has missed a nap, but what did he have to be tired from?  I let him “rest” on the couch while watching PBS.

By late afternoon we were both going nuts and we were both on the verge of melt-downs.  I begged my grandmother to let me go to the grocery store for her.  We had to get out of this house.

I drove slowly to the store and meandered around the store several times even though all we needed was bread and milk.  I drove slowly home.  I was in no rush to get back to the house.

We got back, had dinner and littleman was asleep by 8, but it didn’t happen without taking a toll on both of us.

All I have been able to think is, “Thank God I don’t do this all the time.”

I have never thought that stay-at-home moms have it easy.  Yes, there are mornings where I would love to not have to have us both ready and out of the house by 7:15 a.m.  Sure, I get jealous of my stay-at-home mom friends laid back schedule from time to time, but I know that I couldn’t do it day-after-day.  It isn’t who I am.  I am a better mom because I work.  I know that and am not ashamed to say it.  This week is defintiely a I’ve-walked-a-mile-in-your-shoes-and-am-ready-to-return-them reminder of that.

God bless all you stay-at-home moms.  Y’all are much better souls than me.

It’s Summertime

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When this posts I will be at the beach with littleman and my grandmother – the two most important people in my life.  We will be at my grandmother’s beach house, which is where I celebrated my first birthday.

I love that littleman’s childhood experiences includes spending time in the same house, at the same beach, with the same person I did growing up.  The only thing that could make it better is if grandaddy were still alive.  I miss him terribly, but littleman got his name, so I feel like a part of him is always with us.

A week doing nothing but spending time with the two most important people in my life in a place that is filled with so many great memories and getting to create more with littleman makes this one of the best weeks of the year – maybe the best.

So, in honor of this week my theme song is:  Kenny Chesney, Summertime

Take a moment and enjoy:

I will say that I am not a fan of feet on the dashboard or tattoos.  But…

Perfect song on the radio, sing along cause it’s one we know
It’s a smile, it’s a kiss, it’s a sip of wine
It’s summertime, sweet summertime

The more things change things change , the more they stay the same
Don’t matter how old you are
Man, you know what I’m talkin’ ’bout,
Yeah baby!

Gonna Make You Sweat – Yeah, I Wish

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Generally I am not one of those single moms who cries “poor me!” all the time. I think I have a pretty good attitude about single motherhood and all that goes along with it. Honestly there are a lot of great things about being a single mom, but no situation is perfect – single mom or married mom.

{Do you realize no one ever uses the term married mom? Things that make you go hmmm… (Last C+C Music Factory reference. Promise.)}

While most things are great, there is one thing that drives me more crazy more than any other. Exercise eludes me.

I would love to take a nice long walk. I would love to go on a run. I would love to take Zumba or yoga or even just go to the gym.

I don’t do any of these things.

Now, I realize that anything is possible. I realize that if exercise was really a priority to me I could make it happen. I realize that there are any number of exercise programs I could do at the house – P90X, anyone?

Here’s my reality…

I work at a school. There is no lunch hour.

If my stay-at-home mom friends don’t have the time to break up a 30-minute session into three ten-minute sessions, how the heck am I going to have time to?

After a full day of work and being away from my son for nine plus hours I don’t want to have a sitter come over to watch him. I want to be with him.

I could put him in the jogging stroller, but he is no longer a baby. He doesn’t want to be stuck in the stroller. And from my standpoint – let’s face it, pushing 40 pounds is a lot different than pushing 20.

I don’t like to exercise at the house. I either want to get outside and enjoy nature while exercising or I want to be a part of a group activity. I bought the Zumba DVDs. I can’t express how depressing it is to do those alone.

My son doesn’t leave me alone long enough to do one set of any exercise. An entire workout is out of the question. If you have successfully maintained any kind of exercise program in the house with a young child, I need to know your secret. Yes, I probably could do it after my son goes to bed, but…

After my son goes to bed I am tired. Many nights I go to bed right after he goes to sleep fall asleep with him, wake up in the middle of the night and move to my room. Those nights I am lucky to get my teeth brushed.

I get frustrated and jealous when I see folks out running because I want to be running too. It is a visual reminder that I don’t get to exercise like I would like to.

I keep reminding myself that this won’t always be the situation. Soon enough my son can go on a walk with me without stopping to inspect every stick. Soon enough he will not only be running with me, but he will be leaving me behind in his dust. Soon enough I can go on a run while he is at (fill-in-the-blank) practice. Soon enough he will be old enough that I can leave him sleeping at home while I go to boot camp. Soon enough I will be complaining because he isn’t home enough and I will have plenty of time to go the gym.

This too shall pass. Hang onto your son’s childhood because it will pass in the blink of an eye and you will then wish you had it back. Blah, blah, blah… Heard it all before, and logically I get it. Unfortunately the logic isn’t making me feel any better physically.

Right now I need to exercise.

How Did You Start Your Morning?

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The very first words out of my mouth this morning were, “Well, put down your rake.” My son had just woken up, came to find me and started climbing in my lap, trusty rake in hand.

I won’t let him sleep with the rake. I would let him sleep with it, but he knows it is either the rake or me. He would much rather have me lay down with him while he nods off to dreamland than sleep with the rake, although there are evenings I wish he would choose the rake over me. I digress…

He lays said rake by his bed when he goes to sleep at night and it is the first thing he grabs in the morning. I love to have him climb in my lap, but I refuse to be assaulted by a rake as he is doing it.

Right now it is the rake. Sometimes is a golf club. Other times it is a wooden dowel from his easel that he calls his “Bible candle” that serves as leaf blower, fishing rod, water hose or any number of other things – rarely having anything to do with the Bible. These items exist only to replace a stick because I will not allow sticks in the house.

Okay, I might allow a stick in the house, but what my son calls a stick most people would refer to as a branch. Minimum length – 3 feet. Minimum diameter – 1 inch. These are minimums remember.

I think he has the largest collection of sticks in existence. He finds them anywhere and everywhere and saves them all. He can spot them in the most hidden of places. He recently crawled into a flower bed and under bush at our local botanical garden to retrieve a stick he just couldn’t pass up. I promise you no one knew it was there. If an employee from the garden saw it they would have immediately removed it because it was not part of the display.

The sticks are all relegated to the garage. Most of the time they are corralled in his wagon, which he affectionately calls his “stick wagon.” Seriously? We have a wagon only for sticks? We only have one wagon. You can see where my son’s priorities lie.

He doesn’t suck his thumb. He doesn’t have a blanket. He doesn’t have a lovey. Trust me, I have tried. My son’s security comes in the form of a stick or similar substitute. The good news – sticks can be found anywhere. Although he is always on the lookout for the holy grail of sticks, he always has a place holder, or two, or three at the ready.

When I became a mother I never expected that very first words out of my mouth in the morning would ever be “Well, put down your rake.” I always thought each day would start with me giving my son a big smile, a big hug and an energetic and upbeat “Good morning!”

What I realized is that is doesn’t matter what the first words out of my mouth were this morning. What matters is that my son climbed in my lap first thing this morning and he didn’t mind putting down his rake. Mom still trumps the rake – at least for today. Love that boy.

He Really Brought Up My Biological Clock?

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I went to dinner with a friend of mine recently. At dinner he asked me several pointed questions and made a few observations, which quite honestly rocked my world. Here is the crux of our conversation…

Him: Are you dating?

Me: No.

Him: Why not?

Me: I am not interested in dating. I have a son to raise and he is my number one priority.

Him: So, you want to spend your life alone?

Me: {what I thought – ouch! no, but you just don’t get it. you are in your mid to late 20s and you are at such a different place in your life. you don’t have a clue!} what I said – Not necessarily, but I am just not there yet.

Him: So you don’t want any more children?

Me: {what I thought – ouch, ouch!} what I said – It’s complicated. If you had asked me how many children I wanted when I was your age I definitely wanted more than one. Now things are not that simple. I have one and I am thankful that I have one.

Him: But if you met the right guy you would be willing to / want to have more children?

Me: {what I thought – that is never going to happen so I don’t even need to go there.} what I said – [cue crickets]

Him: I mean, don’t take this the wrong way, but your biological clock is ticking.

Me: {what I thought – are you kidding?!? you did not actually say that?!?} what I said – [insert polite chuckle] Yes, I know, but I am not all that concerned about it.

Him: You just deserve to be happy and I want you to be happy.

Me: I know and I appreciate it. I am just not interested in dating right now. I will tell you what I have told everyone else – when my son graduates from high school I will worry about that then. It is only 15 years away.

Him: You realize you will be in your 50s?

Me: {what I thought – you did not just go there. you are unreal. 50s. that is so much different than 30s or even 40s. wait – let me do the math. yep, I will be 51. about to be 52. what?!? holy…!!!} what I said: No, I never really thought about it, but thanks for pointing that out.

Him: I’m not saying that you can’t find someone great once you are in your 50s, but… I mean, look at that guy – you could find someone like him. (Imagine an overweight balding man with glasses wearing socks with sandals, plaid shorts and a shirt that matched if you were squinting.)

Me: {what I thought – oh, God, help!}

I believe that God puts each person in your life for a reason. My friend is blunt, yes, but honest and I need more people in my life who will be 100% honest with me. I haven’t processed it all, but he has given me a ton of things to think about.

Let me be clear. My son is my number one priority, but I am also very aware that he will grow up. While right now I am the center of his world, I won’t always be and shouldn’t be. I refuse to be one of those moms who has an emotional death grip on her son, hanging onto him because she is all he’s got. Poor kid will need enough therapy as it is without adding that dimension. I know it is up to me to make sure this doesn’t happen.

Where does dating come into all this?

It is complicated – very complicated. Enter new category – Dating. Lots to process. Lots to figure out. Stay tuned.

Finding or Creating Balance

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If you are visiting from Natural Parents Network, welcome!  Thanks for stopping by!

The theme for Wordless Wednesday at Natural Parents Network is Finding or Creating Balance and I have this picture featured there:

 

When I first thought about the theme of balance I thought immediately of doing it all and multi-tasking, but it isn’t doing a million different things at once that create balance.  The more we do, the less we accomplish and the less we appreciate each moment.  When multi-tasking we are incapable of truly appreciating each moment because there are too many things vying for our attention.

This picture was taken at an end of the year performance at my son’s day care.  I love that my son is completely wrapped up in the moment doing one of the things he loves to do most – dance.  I love that he is completely oblivious to every thing and everyone else around him.  The expression on his face says it all for me.

Balance is appreciating the moment and not paying attention to the million other things that we or other people think we should be doing.

All I have to do find balance is look at my son and my priorities are immediately re-aligned appropriately.

What is your definition of balance?  How do you find balance in your life?