I’m sitting in the living room in my former spouse’s parents house on what would have been our fifth anniversary. I honestly hadn’t thought a thing about it until I saw the date on my iPad.
FS would love nothing more than for us to get back together, but I have been hurt too badly and too many things have happened. I have forgiven him, but I can’t forget.
Yes, he is doing better than he has ever done. He will have been working for a year come next Friday. His OCD seems to be relatively under control, but OCD is unpredictable. He could easily downward spiral.
I feel that he is working to control his OCD in order to get me back, but after he got a bit more comfortable his OCD would once again be more important than anyone or any thing in his life.
I also think he is able to control it more because he is living alone. He can do whatever ritual he needs to without impacting anyone else. The thought of living with him, with it… I never want to experience that again.
Finally he is driving again. He has been driving all week, but we have been in his hometown – small town, country roads. We haven’t been at home in our metropolitan area. I hope that he can maintain it at home, but I am just not sure. I think he drives down here because he wants his parents to think that everything is alright.
One of the problems we had when we were married is that he could maintain normalcy for only a short period of time, but he couldn’t maintain it at home. He would behave terribly and when I balked he would say, “What do I care? You are already my wife. It doesn’t matter how I act now.” It brings tears to my eyes to even think about it.
We’ve spent all week together. It has been far from perfect, but I can’t help but wish that it could have been different. I keep reminding myself we are on vacation. Everything is different on vacation. Vacation doesn’t translate into reality.
Littleman and I will be loading up the car in just a little bit and we head back home. I have a solid 4+ hours to think about where to go from here.